The deepest sort of pain is the agony you feel when you’ve laid yourself down for someone, and they walk all over you.
You’ve loved them. You’ve raised them up. You’ve proven your loyalty time and time again.
Yet they do the unspeakable. And after they’ve done what they’ve come to do, they accuse you of not doing enough, not being enough. They pour the proverbial salt on your wounds.
Have you ever felt that way?
Have you felt like you truly did everything in your power to love and forgive, but that it’s still not enough for them? Have you turned your cheek just to have the other slapped?
I can tell you I’ve felt like that so many times that I can’t recount them all. So I figure, if I am suffering from a pain like this, I am sure all of you out there have felt it before too.
It’s really the most desperate feeling, isn’t it?
Most times in life, when things don’t go well, it’s because you didn’t want it bad enough, or that you didn’t try hard enough, or that you made a mistake along the way. Well, that pain may hurt, but you know you have something to do with it.
The pain I am talking about is the kind that comes when you have done everything in your power to be good, to be patient, to be just, to be loving, to be forgiving. This pain I am talking about leaves you feeling helpless and unworthy because the other person doesn’t find you or your actions good enough for them.
They have rejected you in your wholeness.
They have rejected you for who you are.
And they have rejected the very best of who you are… and you are left devastated.
When this happens, how do we cope? How do we repair the brokenness? How do we come to grips with the reality that things will never be the same? How do we find a way to live with and accept the rejection and the feelings of being unworthy?
I don’t have the answers… because if I did, I wouldn’t be asking you all these questions, and so many. I’ve gotten good at dealing with all types of letdowns, but this sort of emotional crisis is the very one that holds my heart hostage and torments me long after the rejection occurs.
Please tell me, how do you deal? How do you let go and learn to open your heart again? Because that’s what I worry about the most…
There are a million doors to the human heart, but I feel them closing some days, one by one. And when they close, they are empty. And when they close, they hurt. And I am worried that when they close, I will never find the courage to open them again; rather, I will offer up my sensitivity for equanimity.
It’s so hard to live this life with a heart of open doors. It’s so hard to keep them open and harder to open them once they’ve been shut, of this I am sure.
So my question is this: Do we suffer or do we survive?
Do we leave those doors open and allow whatever comes our way to enter in? Or do we close and lock those doors to keep the world out? Suffer or survive?
In truth, I have no answers tonight.
I wish I did.
I wish I never had to ask the question at all.