Saturday, May 15, 2010

A Million Doors to the Human Heart

The deepest sort of pain is the agony you feel when you’ve laid yourself down for someone, and they walk all over you.

You’ve loved them. You’ve raised them up. You’ve proven your loyalty time and time again.

Yet they do the unspeakable. And after they’ve done what they’ve come to do, they accuse you of not doing enough, not being enough. They pour the proverbial salt on your wounds.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you felt like you truly did everything in your power to love and forgive, but that it’s still not enough for them? Have you turned your cheek just to have the other slapped?

I can tell you I’ve felt like that so many times that I can’t recount them all. So I figure, if I am suffering from a pain like this, I am sure all of you out there have felt it before too.

It’s really the most desperate feeling, isn’t it?

Most times in life, when things don’t go well, it’s because you didn’t want it bad enough, or that you didn’t try hard enough, or that you made a mistake along the way. Well, that pain may hurt, but you know you have something to do with it.

The pain I am talking about is the kind that comes when you have done everything in your power to be good, to be patient, to be just, to be loving, to be forgiving. This pain I am talking about leaves you feeling helpless and unworthy because the other person doesn’t find you or your actions good enough for them.

They have rejected you in your wholeness.

They have rejected you for who you are.

And they have rejected the very best of who you are… and you are left devastated.

When this happens, how do we cope? How do we repair the brokenness? How do we come to grips with the reality that things will never be the same? How do we find a way to live with and accept the rejection and the feelings of being unworthy?

I don’t have the answers… because if I did, I wouldn’t be asking you all these questions, and so many. I’ve gotten good at dealing with all types of letdowns, but this sort of emotional crisis is the very one that holds my heart hostage and torments me long after the rejection occurs.

Please tell me, how do you deal? How do you let go and learn to open your heart again? Because that’s what I worry about the most…

There are a million doors to the human heart, but I feel them closing some days, one by one. And when they close, they are empty. And when they close, they hurt. And I am worried that when they close, I will never find the courage to open them again; rather, I will offer up my sensitivity for equanimity.

It’s so hard to live this life with a heart of open doors. It’s so hard to keep them open and harder to open them once they’ve been shut, of this I am sure.

So my question is this: Do we suffer or do we survive?

Do we leave those doors open and allow whatever comes our way to enter in? Or do we close and lock those doors to keep the world out? Suffer or survive?

In truth, I have no answers tonight.

I wish I did.

I wish I never had to ask the question at all.

5 comments:

  1. I have no answer, for I suffer from the same thing. It is only when one opens their heart completely that they can truly experience joy and love in it's purest form. Unfortunately, that also leaves us vulnerable to be crushed into the deepest depths of our soul. I can only take everything that happens as a lesson and hope to find the courage to open my heart again someday. For right now, I'm just trying to tear down the walls I've put up around myself.

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  2. You are not alone dear one, if that brings some comfort. "to bring someone up and prove your loyalty" and love over a lifetime just to find out (down the road) their focus is not to return that love but to take advantage of your trust and seek their own fortune at your expense.
    I find every day a challenge and question everyone's intentions ~ boundaries help.
    Finding peace in nature and having a support group helps.
    Just know that you are not alone.

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  3. I feel that I have survived THROUGH my suffering. The reason I am the person I am the survivor I am today is because I struggled to keep my head above water. I have adopted the motto to "be fearless", to "live fearless", to "love fearless". Being fearless is not living without fear, but it living in SPITE of that fear. I understand the hurt and the pain when one of those doors closes. I understand the fear of not being able to open up your heart again to someone later in life. But by living "fearlessly", I have chosen to keep those doors open in spite of that fear.

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  4. I beleive that we are sent here to serve others. The be a part of their journey of life. For me, I do all I can and never expect anything in return. I give with an open mind and heart. I believe that one day, someone will do the same for me. The theory of "paying it forward" works for me and I live by this golden rule. Therefor, I am never disapointed in others, their actions or words. They chose to say or do and they have to live with whatever comes from them; either good or bad.

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  5. I just love reading your comments. They are so inspired and thoughtful. And, not to mention, your words help me so much. Dealing with growing pains and the pain you receive from others is never easy, so thank you for sharing in the journey...

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